Scandelous Liasons
by PearlyJammer
Summary: Reality Television.......X-Men Style....


Title: Scandelous Liasons 1/5   
  
Authors: Autumn and Jonas   
  
Summary: There are no words…….Absolute madness………  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing and are making nothing from this little   
venture.   
  
Archive: DDFH, others ask please   
  
Authors' Notes:  
  
Autumn says: Chaos, this was a hell of a lot of fun. And Jonas is a   
liar, he said he's not funny, I beg to differ.   
  
  
Jonas says: Well, this was a first for me. Writing something together   
like this and it has been a blast. Hope you all like what two   
demented people can think up  
*********************************************************  
  
The mansion's adult residents were all loungeing around in the tv   
room in front of the 60 inch screen, impatiently waiting for the show   
to begin.   
  
Soon enough, the theme music cued, and the camera focused in on a man   
and a woman in a kitchen.........  
  
  
  
  
"He's twice the man you'll never be. And I faked it every time!"  
  
"You never fooled me. It wasn't exactly Oscar-material, really.  
Take an acting class if you want to be convincing. And besides,  
I faked it too."  
  
"That's impossible!"  
  
  
"No, no. Very easy really. You just need to know the  
trick, really. Takes time to learn but you're so frigid  
I'd have to learn it..."  
  
  
You idiot! I'm a REAL actress in a Primetime show!  
  
Oh, is that what it's called now? I thought it was called  
the Playboy channel.  
  
You bastard! You don't know what you're talking about!  
  
But I saw you there, I swear! Either that or a look-alike.  
You don't have a twin you haven't told me about?  
  
  
"What the hell are you babbling about? What trick? I've never heard   
of it!  
And for the record, I'm pregnant with your brother's, cousin's,   
husband's  
baby!"  
  
"No, I'm not surprised you've never heard of it. Every guy you ever   
been  
with learned it fast enough though. And you can't possibly be having   
his  
baby since he's infertile. Just admit it, you were careless when you  
were on that street-corner and one of your customers."  
  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?!"  
  
"That every former boytoy you've had obviously faked it. They even   
faked  
their  
erection, which is a must with someone as frigid as you."  
  
"Obviously you don't know what you're talknig about, as usual. And   
how  
DARE you call me a prostitute!"  
  
"Of course I know what I'm talking about. I bribed the doctor to make   
him  
sterile when he was in the hospital to get his appendix removed. And I  
only call things as I see them."  
  
"Go to hell! You don't even know what you're talking about. And   
that is a  
physical imposibility you jerk! Just because you're impotent, that   
doesn't  
mean everybody is!"  
  
"I've been in hell. All those years with you so I know firsthand how   
frigid  
and cold you are. And I'm not impotetent. All those times I've been   
forced  
to undergo that annoying thing where I had to prove I'm not the   
father should be enough to dispell that little rumour. I thought it   
was impossible too for someone to have sex without an erection but   
that didn't stop them."  
  
  
"Well obviously you got fooled, which isn't surprising. And where do   
you  
have room to stand? You're a stripper for Christsakes, that works for  
ree!"  
  
"Hey, didn't know you wanted me back so badly you had to come and see   
the  
show. But I don't do it for free. Well, the management doesn't pay me   
but  
all the ladies in the audience are more than willing."  
  
  
"If you say so...I'm sure Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith  
said so too..."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Hit a bit too close to home eh? You really need to learn how  
to deal with the truth. Trying to deny how you are will  
only bring you unhappiness. On second thought, keep it up.  
  
  
"And you cheated on me too?! Why bother pretending you stupid   
asshole?  
And by the way, SIZE DOES MATTER!"  
  
"Well, of course I cheated on you too. Payback's fair and all that.   
If you  
hadn't tried to enter the Guiness book of records as the sluttiest   
person  
in history this wouldn't have happened. And what's it with that   
hockey-team  
you were 'dating'? One guy at a time not enough for you?"  
  
  
"I wasn't coming to see you. I was coming to see Spencer. He's a   
real  
man, not a lousy excuse like you."  
  
"A man? 'He' doesn't even have the proper equipment to be called a   
man."  
  
  
"Not at all. I just don't like being compared to a blonde bimbo.   
You're a  
cruel bastard. I hope you go to hell!"  
  
"They're not bimbos! It's just your jealousy of their looks that's  
making itself known again! And I told you already, I've already been  
to hell for some years and it's all your fault!"  
  
"Jerk. You were brobably just trying to beat off again, which is   
really  
rediculous given that you need a magnifying glass just to fing your  
equipment in the first place."  
  
Trying? You don't think I don't know how to do that? I've had to learn  
that being with you so I wouldn't go crazy over the lack of a sex-  
life.  
And tiny? At least it's there which is more than you can say about   
your  
brain and common sense.  
  
"Well I wouldn't have had to in the first place if you weren's so   
damn lousy in the sack, Christ a teenage boy could perform better   
than you! And leave the Maple Leafs out of this."  
  
"I thought you were into teenage boys actually with that kinky ideas   
of  
yours that they ought to be teached how to do it properly. I   
absolutely  
refuse to leave the Maple Leafs out of this! You're distracting them   
when  
they should be concentrating on that tournament!"  
  
"That's not my fault and it's none of your fucking business!"  
  
"Hey, I am a major sponsor so it's my business! And if not,  
I make it mine!"  
  
"Just didn't you leave if you were so unhappy!"   
  
"Well, I tried. But whenever I did that someone would inexplicably   
turn  
up with a hammer and wanted to have some fun involving said hammer  
and my fingers."  
  
  
"And as for teenagers, well they should so they don't suck at it as   
much as you do!"  
  
"Hate to break this to you. No, I don't. I love it! But there's  
two to sex and if you hadn't just lied there as if you had been  
dead it would have been a lot more enjoyable."  
  
********************   
  
Every head turned to look at where Logan and Marie were sitting on   
the couch. "What? It's reality television. Maybe we went a little   
out of character, but it's all in good fun" the brown haired woman   
relpied.   
  
"This is going to be on, every night right?" St John questioned.   
  
"Yeah" Logan answered.   
  
"I think it's gonna be a hit." Scott added.   
  
"However, if you were really like that, I'd suggest a hell of a lot   
of counseling" Jean jabbed lightly.  
  
"So, this on tommorrow?"   
  
"Yep. Same bad time, same bad channel" Logan grinned.   
  
"Now if you'll excuse us, I think it's time for the make up eqation   
of that little fight." Marie stated before pulling Logan up and   
dragging him towards the bedroom coridour of the school.   
  
********************************   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
